Be Where You Are

Learning to balance the past, present, and future

Living in the present, in theory, seems like it should be the no-brainer default mode of humanity. But, in the true nature of humanity, we like to make things complicated. It seems that living in the present is the last, and most difficult option.

Living in the Past

What did I do to deserve this? What could I have done differently? Why didn’t I see the signs? Why did I let it go on for so long? Why didn’t I do that instead? Why did I listen to them? What was I thinking? I was so _______. I’ll never be as good as I was when ______.

There is truth to the adage “Hindsight is 20/20,” or “It’s hard to see the forest for the trees.”

When you are in it it’s hard to see the whole picture. Past mistakes, traumas, experiences, and losses can be hard to walk away from. We hold onto them like a badge of proof that we don’t deserve success, or love, or happiness, or ______.

We become so focused on reliving the past that we forfeit life in the present. I have lived in the past many times in my life. The most lengthy habitation there was after my divorce. The first couple of years were incredibly difficult. I kept scouring the past for signs of what was coming, what I could have done differently, and wondering why on earth it all happened. I was so busy sorting through the past that I barely remember any events from those couple of years.

On the other side of the spectrum are those who live in the past because it was so pleasant. They may keep reliving the “glory days” or they may be living with grief from the loss of a loved one and all of the wonderful times they shared together.

I’m not saying that we should ignore or forget the past. In fact, if we do we’re bound to make the same mistakes or to grapple with even more guilt. What I am saying is that we should learn from our past, acknowledge things that have happened, and find ways to remember that still allow us to move forward on our personal timeline.

Living in the Future

When I’m rich _____. When I’m successful ______. When I’m out of this situation _______. When the children are grown ________. When I retire _______.

There are so many things to do, see, and become. When we feel stuck in our current situation it is easy to become so obsessed with the future that we overlook all of the good happening in the now.

This is my current struggle. As a divorced family, it’s easy to feel trapped. Moving, vacationing, or doing anything outside the normal schedule can quickly turn into a logistical nightmare that leaves you deciding it’s not worth even trying. I only have six more years until the last of my children from that marriage graduate, and we are free from the divorce constraints.

My husband and I have sky-high dreams of traveling and living abroad once that time comes. It’s so easy to get sucked into the vortex of planning and dreaming that I sometimes find myself wishing those six years would hurry up and pass. What a terrible thing to wish your children’s childhoods away.

Dreaming and planning for the future are pleasant, wonderful, and necessary. They must have their place though. Dreaming should not keep you from embracing the now.

Living in the Present

What is going on around me right now? How are they feeling? What are they doing? How does this taste? Isn’t this lovely? What is the silver lining to this experience? How can I help? What can I learn?

It’s not easy living in the now. Our world is so full of distractions and to-do lists. When was the last time you sat and enjoyed a meal without checking your phone or sat and played with your kids without scrolling through your mental to-do list?

I struggle to be in the now. My mind is constantly berating me for a past mistake, daydreaming of the future, or flashing to-do bulletins across my mental screen. Those times when I can place everything into its compartment and focus on what is in front of me, I am awed at the beauty around me- the taste of a meal, the sound of bird song on a warm breeze, the sight of my children happy and thriving, the feel of the grass under my feet.

Setting parameters around distractions can be a helpful tactic. This may be a no tech at the table rule or setting a time to plan for the future so that you’re not obsessing all day. It may be setting times for your doom scrolling or make a schedule for your daily to-dos. Whatever strategies you employ, you’ll find that making room for the now will have a massive positive impact.

Balance

For a happy life, there must be balance between past, present, and future. We need to acknowledge the past- the good and the bad. It helps us to make decisions in the now. We need to plan for the future. Looking toward the future gives us momentum and hope. We must live in the now. There is so much living to do and so much to cherish and enjoy. There are struggles to survive that will test us, teach us, and strengthen us. There is so much to experience.

Be where you are.

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